It’s Not Me. It’s You.

Published by Heather Louise on March 9, 2021March 9, 2021

TWO YEARS. Two years ago, I found out the name of my biological father through Ancestry.com. He lives four miles away from me, an eight-minute drive. I have passed his house for years taking my daughter to and from the soccer fields by his home. I’m sure we have seen each other at our local sporting events, grocery stores, or town functions. For two years, I have lived in the same little town as this man.

For two years, I have lived without the slightest acknowledgment of my existence from him.

And for two years, I chose to be graceful at his lack of response to me. But two years is way too long to hold all this in. He doesn’t deserve my protection any longer.

Today, I feel like writing him a letter. He may never read this, and that is perfectly fine. You see, these words are for ME. I need to clear out all the what-the-fucks that run through my head. I need him to know that it is NOT OK. This is for all the other people who are cast in this same situation and made to feel not good enough. I am here to tell you all that you ARE good enough. We are good enough.

Let’s nickname him 204.

Dear 204,

On March 7, 2019, Ancestry.com notified me that my results were in. Your name, right in front of my eyes.

Predicted Relationship: Parent/Child. Amount of shared DNA is 3391 centimorgans across 81 DNA segments. Welp. There you were.

Before I contacted you to give you the message of my existence, I searched online for photos of you. I will never forget the first picture that I saw of you. My heart dropped and an overwhelming feeling came over me. Familiarity. I saw me. I saw my daughter in you with her round face and the little space she had between her two front teeth. You. For the first time in my life, I was recognizing myself.

Growing up as a green-eyed girl and telling people that I was Mexican-Indian wasn’t too believable, even to me. I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I didn’t know any family on Stormie’s side (BM, Biological Mother) and I felt out of place on the Cruz (BCF, Birth Certificate Father) side. Not because they made me feel like that, it was just a feeling that I couldn’t explain. I just didn’t feel like I belonged and I didn’t know why. I know now that I wasn’t one of them and that’s why I felt that way.

I wanted you to be the man everyone said you were. A decent man. A good, church-going man. I was told by many how lucky I was that it was your family to whom I belonged. I didn’t expect a rush of open arms coming at me. I didn’t have time to even think that way. I was trying to figure out too many other things. But I did expect and had hoped for the beginning of a conversation with you.

I gave you ample time to reach out to me. But you didn’t. And even though you don’t agree with how I went about the next part; I know in my heart that my reason for writing the letter to my half-siblings was purely out of respect for them. By this time, I had the timeline figured out and you know exactly what I mean. All I could think was that you and their mom had this fairytale marriage and if they found about me, that image would be destroyed. I would never want that for anyone. It wasn’t my place to tell them about me. It was yours. But since you didn’t do that, I thought I needed to let them know before they found out from someone else. I was sick over it, 204. I thought I did the right thing by them, and I don’t care whether or not you agree with me. My intentions were in the right place.

Others say to me that it is your loss for choosing not to acknowledge me.  But it’s my loss too. For a fleeting moment, I thought I actually belonged somewhere. I wanted to see the resemblances that others in your family who have met me see. It hurts my heart to hear that your dad would have loved me or that my love of babies comes from your mother; that I have the same mannerisms as my half-sister or that I look like your oldest son, knowing that I may never get a chance to see any of that for myself. In my eyes, you are the head puppeteer, pulling all the strings of your family. And it makes me sick that you think you have the power to take relationships away from the ones you say you love. That is not love, that’s control.

I wanted so bad to believe you were a good person, a man of integrity. The lengths you have gone to make sure my half-siblings, nieces, nephews, and even my own aunts and uncles have ZERO contact with me, is sinful. And I don’t understand why. Who do you think you are?

I did not ask to be put in this position. YOU and Stormie put me in this position with your reckless actions 47 years ago. I am the product of those actions. I didn’t ask for Stormie to be my biological mother and I sure as hell didn’t ask to find out that you are my biological father.

You might think that if you are able ignore my existence, that I will fade away. But 204, I am here to tell you that I do exist.

Go ahead and tell God that He made a mistake. Let me know how that goes for ya.

Heather

Ohhh, and Friends,

These past two years, I have also learned so much about healing, forgiveness, loyalty, friendship, motherhood, and love. I have the most AMAZING people in my tribe, and for that, I am truly blessed. I am a happy girl. XO